She had this look on her face. I had tried for hours to convince her to open her mouth and let go of the shock that remained paled in her skin, “Allahna, what is it that you saw? What scared you in the garden?” Yet again her dark brown eyes met mine. Something was different; they glimmered now where they never had before.
A back and forth pitter-patter of trying to get her to speak, with no response, I took it upon myself to drag her back to the garden. She stood at its entrance. No hesitation; no shaking in her boots. She opened her hand and appeared to have her eyes closed. In that exact moment, a flower was plucked from the foliage grasping the trellis entrance, and was placed into her hand. No one had touched it, and she hadn’t done it; it appeared the wind had grasped it tight and laid it in her hand.
She opened her eyes when she felt the petals plop on her skin. She stared at it, in awe of its bright pink hue. Yet she still was just as pale as before. I knelt at her side, “Allahna, what scared you in the garden?” She looked back at me with once again, glimmered eyes. She clutched the flower in her hand, and finally spoke, “The placement of the flower or garden doesn’t scare me.. Its who handed me the flower that frightens me.” She gives it a will? A person of substance? Yet all I saw was a flower floating to her hand.
“Allahna, who handed you this flower?” She smiled, and then lost her train of thought and paled again. She let go of the flower, “Eden. Eden handed it to me.”
The pink petals hit the ground before her last word came out; the muddled petal colors now reflected how this instance felt. This was Edens garden.
(Would like to say that this is just a play on “The Garden of Eden”, and was not written in a religious way. But read at your own leisure)
Fear has a way of clouding judgement; like producing this gigantic veil that’s so translucent you don’t even realize it’s there. All my life this veil has plagued every one one of my ventures, from birth to now. Everything to me has always had some underlying bad thing connected to it, and that veil increases when the anxiety brick hits me.
My classes are where my attitude towards fear has been shifted. They set their classes up as little live lessons; all the teachers and all the students for a particular class meet to discuss what’s due for the week, and go over tough lessons. There are always parts within these lessons, where students can contribute opinions or read part of the lesson.
Having been a student there for three years now, I’ve volunteered here and there, but anxiety constantly got the best of me; heart starts pounding out my chest and my whole body shakes endlessly. So I refrained from nothing more than commenting in our little chat-box. Recently, however, my attitude has shifted. I’ve pushed myself to start talking in the chat more, talking to the other students, taking the whiteboard in situations when I know I’m capable. I wasn’t expecting anyone to take notice, -or perhaps it’s just because I rarely did it before- but I got so much approval from my fellow classmates and teachers. One teacher even reached out to say she was glad I participated more.
And my most recent painting and the post I made for it.. I was so skeptical of whether it was worth posting. It can be a difficult thing to manifest something you think is worth talking about over the internet, without feeling like you’ll be criticized just for speaking your mind. The post has actually gained much traction, which was so uplifting to me because I didn’t try to veil my opinion in it. It was just simply me speaking like I would to anybody.
What I’ve learned -from the brief weeks of undergoing this established “experiment”- is that sometimes fear takes the place of the unknown. It can take place where you’d initially have no feeling, so fear creeps its way into the crevices and devours the moment. While fear of the common things that are always overplayed and overrated in movies shouldn’t be overlooked, there comes a time and a place when fear needs to get shoved back down into the hole it belongs in. It may be just as surprising to you as it was to me to find the winsome outcomes that can come along with it; like realizing the potential that you have in yourself.